This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
that de-escalated quickly
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.