Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
The Backseat Boys
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???