I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
For the baby who has everything
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
best first i’ve ever seen
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.