WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
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Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
#polloftheday
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.