I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
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My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
May never get over this
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I only treason on days ending in y
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.