I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.