pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
You Might Also Like
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Who called it baking and not making love
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.