How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?