LMAO.
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔