11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
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[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too