Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”