Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time