In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
You Might Also Like
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
How funny!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
#parenting
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Support your local cemetery
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Got him!
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.