If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
What an awful time to have common sense.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim