[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.