Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
S M O L
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
😎 🍻
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I