Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon