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Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
KID: I don鈥檛 need a coat
ME: baby, it鈥檚 cold outside
KID: I don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it鈥檚 cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let鈥檚 just go
KID: daddy it鈥檚 cold outside
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
The Weeknd is back
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Welcome to your 40鈥檚. You now have to second guess your age as you can鈥檛 believe you鈥檙e that old
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I鈥檓 buying a dart gun.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I鈥檓 looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them馃槏
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son鈥檚 friends} 鈥榮up bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.