If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
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I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?