A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
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Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.