candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Did a trash talking tree write this?