Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Duolingo getting serious.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.