It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.