The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Got ya covered
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
6: are snakes just neck?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her