[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I triple waxed for this?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.