You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls