Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
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“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao