Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.