The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
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The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish