If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.