somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Me :
All Day At Night
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“i miss shittin on people”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.