[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
So creative 😂
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.