wut hotdog?
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Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you