Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Barbie gone wild
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”