Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
i prefer mine room temperature.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Never ghost your hitman.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.