The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine