A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.