Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
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Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.