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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
They also CAN sing✌️
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.