Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all