[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.