Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.