A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive