Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
You Might Also Like
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.