this is funnier than any friends episode
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A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Very problematic
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
✌️
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.