I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.