Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
NASA has no chill
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Happy birthday to all the women