after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
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Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?