My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered