Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.